Sometimes I wish I could take a snapshot. Not of a scene or a sound, but of a state of mind. Sadly enough that can't be done, so I'm reduced to using two tools I can barely use: language and writing. Still, we must make do with what we have.
Optimism is a denial of reality. I've tried often, and long enough, to realize that optimism is, 9 times out of 10, simply a denial of the facts. Without making examples so specific as to offend anyone, I'll say that for the past 9 or so months, I've tried to be an optimist.
The problem with optimism, is that if it works once, you expect it to work again. My problem is that I got so used to things working, that I forget what it was like when they didn't. And so suddenly, all in the period of maybe 2 months, I get a series of major failures, and I feel like all the ground's been cut away from under me.
If there's one thing I learned from the failures, it's to never place too much trust, or too much hope in something, or someone, out of one's control. It's just asking for trouble. Oh it may work. The Messiah, may indeed arrive. But if it doesn't, where are we? The only thing one can truly trust is oneself. All else, purposefully or otherwise, eventually leads to ruin. Build a collosus upon clay feet, and no matter how good the clay, the doom of that figure is sealed from the instant the first stone is lain.
What led to this state for me, and I imagine for others as well, is something called denial. I had very good evidence against my hopes. But hope was easy, especially after previous occasions, when, quite unaccountably it had paid off, and so I stood by it. I ignored the warnings in my head, followed my hopes, and soon found all I'd done was walk right into a fox-trap. The problem is that it's far more difficult to get out of that fox trap, than to get in. I must slowly learn the hard lessons, endure the pain caused by the trap's steel jaws, and hopeful learn better for the future.
I remember once somebody said that it was important to realize that in the end, idealism and reality must be reconciled. In my simpleminded way I scoffed at them at the time, thinking that without a firm set of unbending ideals, the world would scarcely be able to change at all for the better. Alas, I know better now. When you idealize something, be very careful what it is. And above all else, beware the dangers of unbridled optimism.
In short, I've been burnt good this time. On several accounts. Hopefully I can get beyond the disappointment, and set aside the anger. But I damn well hope I never forget the lessons. Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me.
Live free or die!
